I’m not brave and I am not sexy either (though my husband might be of another opinion about the latter).
I also don’t like to let my guard down. And letting your guard down (among other things) is sort of the point in the sexual relationship. In order to do that I have to be super brave–I am anything but brave.
I am FULL of fear.
You ever heard the saying “Getting caught with your pants down?”
It pretty much sums up the fear inside of me when I am left open and exposed emotionally. (And while we’re being honest, I don’t actually like being naked either.)
I have a dream…
I heard it said that dreams reveal a lot about us. I personally believe there is some truth to this opinion.
Nothing describes my fear of vulnerability (aside from that off-color phrase I mentioned ^^^up there) than this dream I have caught myself having again and again.
I constantly dream that I am on the toilet. (Sorry, but it gets worse…)
Without clothes… (told ya)
And suddenly all of the protective walls that hide my nakedness either shrink before my eyes or disappear!
So there are I am—
NAKED on the TOILET in PUBLIC.
My fear of vulnerability in a nutshell.
When Sex is “Fright Night”
So don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with honesty or openness. I can control how much I share in those situations. And talking isn’t physical.
But in the realm of the bedroom, specifically sex—it feels like walking through a haunted house—spooky surprises at every turn, and no real way to prepare for them.
Not everyone experiences haunted houses in the same way. I have seen some people leave a haunted house crying, and others leave laughing. Fear is often a simple matter of perspective.
Like wandering around in a haunted house, the dark corners of my bedroom are terrifying. I have no earthly barrier between my flesh and my husband. Yet, he should be the person I feel the safest and most secure with here on earth, but I don’t.
And truth be told, he isn’t the problem. It’s me.
I have actually conditioned myself to be adverse to natural and normal desires. Desires in my mind are far worse than all the external influences. Those internal firings—feelings—are terrifying to me.
I’ll stuff a turkey with those feelings quicker than you can say “Thanksgiving.”
I don’t want to be controlled by my emotions, so I have learned over the years to cut them off and shove them deep down.
And now, I don’t know how to find those feelings. If I do actually find them, a large part of me doesn’t want them for fear of being consumed by them.
The Power of Love
1 Corinthians 7:4 says “The wife hath not power over her own body…”
Powerless over my own body… That’s scary times right there, but there’s more—
“The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband…”
The power over my body belongs to my husband.
As I let that sink in, it scares me to death—especially if I look at sex apart from God’s design. Without a spiritual filter on sex we will miss the depth of God’s love for us. His perfect love should cast out the fear of relinquishing bodily authority to our spouses.
So where is the “brave” amidst all this fear?
John 8:32 “and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (ASV)
My “brave” is cultivated through the knowledge of the truth of God’s word. As I reflect on the Word becoming flesh coupled with the words of life found in the bible, I have what I need take steps to obey…
-To offer myself freely to my husband with no rules,
-To be in his presence unashamed,
-To love him sacrificially reflecting the love of Christ to him.
Is it still a scary place to go?
But Christ is worthy. He is worthy enough for me to make strides to bust through my fears in order to carry out my part in His design for marriage.
Do I still shed a layer of “bravery” when I am standing without clothing before my husband?
Yes—kind of like that nightmare-ish dream I told you about.
But when my mind is gird with truth, I can dare to be bare and brave all at the same time!
You may also see me linking up with these lovelies:
Testimony Tuesday with Holly
#RaRaLinkup with Kelly http://purposefulfaith.com/
Woman 2 Woman with Meredith
Three Word Wednesday with Kristin http://www.kristinhilltaylor.com/
#TellHisStory with Jennifer Dukes Lee http://jenniferdukeslee.com/
#LiveFreeThurdsay with Suzanne Eller, http://tsuzanneeller.com/
Coffee for Your Heart with Holly
http://arabahjoy.com/ — Grace and Truth
Fellowship Fridays, http://equippinggodlywomen.com/