Dukin’ it Out…on the Inside
So, what do you do when your own worst enemy is…well,
It is so hard to come to the realization that we turn a blind eye to sin in our lives. Or maybe we bought into a script of lies. Sometimes the deception is quickly exposed, but other times it may take days, months or years to uncover.
I lived in denial and blindness for 18 years. I fought to justify myself at every turn.
Until God said “No more.”
I’m a Fighter, Not a Lover
The day I walked down the aisle with my husband, was the day I started becoming a distant, cold and callous wife. The first night as man and wife, I willfully put my name on the fight roster. Perhaps worst of all, I earned the heavy weight title of “Frigid Wife.”
Up until recently I have been fighting tooth and nail against being a “lover” of my husband in “the biblical sense.”
Though I didn’t consciously devise this plan, I fought with all I had to BLOCK ANYTHING that could lead to sex.
And I got really good at “blocking.”
- I didn’t give many hugs for fear that physical contact of any kind might “start something.”
- I didn’t undress in the same room, because if he saw me without my clothes on that might “start something.”
- I didn’t season my speech with kindness, because if I was too nice he might think I was flirting and…you guessed it…that might “start something.”
I was going way too far to keep from going to the bedroom. I was destroying my marriage and my husband by shunning all expressions of love out of fear that they might lead to sex.
But worst of all? I was completely disobeying God.
Total Knock Out
Thanks to the grace of God, I recently had a T.K.O. moment on this whole “Frigid Wife” thing.
God “knocked” some sense into me. He showed me that my struggle with sex would not just disappear (like I hoped it would), nor would it be magically be “all better” even if I pretended there wasn’t a problem.
God worked through my husband (yes ladies, He CAN do that) to speak truth to me.
My husband asked me over and over again if I had really given myself fully to healing, and turning from the unbiblical mindset I had developed about sex.
NO. I hadn’t.
I didn’t know if I could handle doing what it took to heal—or if I really wanted to heal. Because in that healing I would have to be exposed—in more ways than one.
Put Up Your His Dukes
After a stressful night with a half-hearted bedroom effort that was a major FAIL, I sat down and let myself be real with God and me.
Even though God revealed my sin in the past, this time, I allowed myself to look. God showed me the many towering walls I built in order to give myself permission to “defraud” my husband.
I was not fulfilling my role as a wife, plain and simple. I had broken my marriage vows time and time again.
1 Corinthians 7:4-5 says this:
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (ESV)
God set the marriage relationship up to be a mutual yielding of our bodies to one another. He made the marriage union out of love and protection for His children.
God wanted us to know the unique “one flesh” union that we might know Him and enjoy Him in a deeper way through the act of sex.
He also knew that in our weakness we could become slaves to our passions. He provided marriage as a safe and permissible bond to protect us from falling into sin. As the Spirit opened up these beautiful thoughts I had never noticed before, I was moved away from my vehement hatred for sex.
The thought of not having “authority” over my own body still strikes fear in me. I know God has better in mind for me than living in fear of something He made to be wonderful.
In the past, I allowed my own desires—or lack thereof—to rule my actions. That’s one of the many excuses I gave myself so I could ignore sex.
But reading these verses and seeing God’s desires—His plan—changed my point of view. He was fighting for me through the power and message of the word of truth.
And so today, I stand before you a woman with a new mission. No more fighting for myself in this area. My fight only kept me bound to fear and lies.
Instead I am heading straight for God’s word, and I’m “Puttin’ up HIS dukes” so to speak. As He reveals truth to me by His Spirit, He fights for me.
Through the truth, His love and strength equip me to glorify Him in our marriage… And totally “knock out” my arch enemy—A.K.A. me.
Linking Up with these lovelies:
Kelly at http://purposefulfaith.com/
Suzanne Eller #LiveFree Thursday Prompt: Put Up Your Dukes!
Jennifer Dukes Lee at http://jenniferdukeslee.com/
Susan B Mead #DanceWithJesus http://www.susanbmead.com/life-fragile-people-matter-video/
Photo Credit: Creation SWap, Field, Charise Orozco